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The Healing Power of Unconditional Love

By John Demartini, DC

You have an intrinsic capacity to heal.

The majority of people believe that medical professionals and medication are what actually heal them. While they may be of great assistance at times, the greatest healing power still lies within you. Let’s take a step back and look at where illness, “dis-ease” and symptomology originate— in what some have called the mind. 

When you meet someone you admire or infatuate with and elevate them relative to you by placing them on a metaphorical pedestal, you tend to minimize yourself in response. So, you exaggerate them and minimize you. The opposite may also occur. You may minimize them relative to you by placing them in a metaphorical pit and exaggerate yourself in response. So, you minimize them and exaggerate you. 

Both are forms of judgment that result in you putting conditions, positive or negative valences, or emotional charges on both them and you. (“Valence” is a term used to describe the subjective value of an event or individual in your life. An entity that attracts you has a positive valence, while one that repels you has a negative valence.) 

What you may not yet be aware of is that when you exaggerate or minimize others relative to you, you may be too humble or too proud to admit that what you see in them is also in you. When you deeply reflect and introspect honestly, you will discover that you own all the traits—none are missing. When you look up to someone as being confident, you are likely too humble to admit that you too, have areas in your life in which you are confident. And if you judge someone as being arrogant, you are likely too proud to admit that you too, have times when you are arrogant. 

Whenever you’re too humble or too proud to admit that what you see in others is also inside you, you have disowned parts, dismembered parts, and what is known as deflective awareness. In other words, you tend to deflect and not own what you see in other people. Those deflected parts are voids that often leave you feeling empty. You are highly unlikely to judge another individual without feeling empty as a result. 

Anytime you put someone on a pedestal or in a pit, and put yourself in a pit or on pedestal, you’re being inauthentic. If you put people on pedestals and minimize yourself into a pit, that’s not who you are. If you puff yourself up relative to someone that you look down on, you exaggerate yourself and that’s not who you are. One is minimizing shame and one is exaggerating pride. Neither expresses the authentic you. You, like everyone else, want to be loved for who you are, but if you’re not being who you are, you won’t tend to feel love and will instead tend to feel a sense of emptiness. That emptiness is the disowned parts of you that you’re deflecting and not owning. 

In my seminar, the Breakthrough Experience, I explain that at the level of the soul (the authentic you), nothing is missing in you, but at the level of your senses where you judge, you may perceive traits to be missing in you. The traits you may perceive to be missing in you are all the traits you see in other people that you’re too humble or too proud to admit you have inside you. 

So, how does this relate to illness, dis-ease, wellness, and healing? Your deflected disowned parts that leave you empty also affect your physiology. The more primitive, survival, and animalistic part of your inner subcortical brain, the amygdala, assigns valency to your daily experiences and other individuals. In other words, it labels them as being either pleasureful or painful, positive or negative, or something that attracts or repels you. So, if you put someone on a pedestal, it represents them as PREY—something pleasureful and positive that attracts you and makes you want to consume them. You are most likely to want to be around people who you put on pedestals. 

What you may not yet be aware of is that when you exaggerate or minimize others relative to you, you may be too humble or too proud to admit that what you see in them is also in you. When you deeply reflect and introspect honestly, you will discover that you own all the traits–none are missing.

When your brain assigns a valency of a positive, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and causes a parasympathetic response, which is rest and digest. As such, you will tend to seek out this individual and want to spend time with them. You’ll tend to feel engaged and comfortable with them, and unlikely to feel defensive around them. 

On the other hand, when you look down on someone and put them in a pit, they represent PREDATOR—something painful that repels you and makes you want to avoid it. When your brain assigns a valency of negative, it activates the sympathetic nervous system instead of the parasympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is fight or flight. As such, you tend to evade and try to prevent interactions with that individual. Looking up at someone or looking down on someone therefore results in dysregulation in your autonomic nervous system and physiology. 

The autonomic nervous system is designed to help you survive through eating and avoiding being eaten and then maintaining homeostatic balance. In fact, heart rate variability, which is a measure of resilience and adaptability, comes from a perfectly balanced autonomic function when the sympathetic and parasympathetic are balanced. Anytime you have one side over the other, you create symptomatology. 

Symptomatology is mostly labeled as illness. However, the illness might actually be homeostatic FEEDBACK responses from your physiology to let you know that you have an imbalanced perspective. In other words, that you’re likely judging someone instead of recognizing the balance of both sides and loving them. The symptomatology that the body creates is feedback to let you know you’re not loving unconditionally and not grateful for the order and balance that this individual represents and not recognizing that they are helping you reflect and own what you perceive in them and help you return to authenticity. Let’s dig a little deeper. 

When you put people on pedestals and look up to them, you tend to inject some of their values into your life and want to change yourself relative to them, which is futile. If you try to inject their values, live in their values, and try to be like them, you most likely end up breaking down. If you are resentful to someone and tend to look down on them, you tend to project your values onto them and you tend to want to change them relative to you and get them to live in your value system. Anytime you try to get others to live in your value system or try to get yourself to live in someone else’s value system, you have futility and create symptomatology. The symptomatology, which has futility, is trying to let you know that you’re likely judging, and not being grateful for the hidden order of the balance that’s present in them that you’re overseeing. 

It’s for this reason that during the Breakthrough Experience program, I ask people high-quality questions to help them become fully conscious of what they’re unconscious of. 

  1. If you’re infatuated with someone and put them on a pedestal, you are conscious of their upsides and unconscious of their downsides. 
  2. If you’re resentful and put them in the pit, you’re conscious of their downsides and unconscious of their upsides. 

As long as you’re unconscious of one or the other side, you’re unlikely to see the whole of what’s there. As a result, you may miss seeing the hidden order and instead see chaos and disorder—disorder represents missing or unconscious information. The quality of your life is based partly upon the quality of the questions you ask yourself. 

Asking the meaningful and mind-opening questions can help you see both sides and see the fullness of what’s there. As such, you will tend to be far less likely to put people on pedestals or in pits, and instead perceive them for who they truly are, which means putting them in your heart. This, in turn, often levels the playing field because you no longer minimize or exaggerate yourself and can experience equanimity and authenticity. You likely no longer feel the need to put them on pedestal or in a pit, nor perceive that there is anything to change in you relative to them or them relative to you. 

When you understand that there’s nothing to fix and nothing to change, you are most likely to see the hidden order, which means that your physiology doesn’t need to create symptoms to wake you up, and this results in wholeness or wellness. 

Wellness is mostly a confirmation that you are seeing what actually is, while illness is mostly feedback to let you know you’re likely not seeing the whole picture. I strongly believe that GRATITUDE and LOVE are still the greatest healers, however, the majority of people don’t pay attention to the subtle feedback attempting to wake them up to this truth. Instead, they are wedded to a palliative healthcare system that is based on an amygdala’s response of avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

When you understand that there’s nothing to fix and nothing to change, you are most likely to see the hidden order, which means that your physiology doesn’t need to create symptoms to wake you up, and this results in wholeness or wellness.  

So, the second they have a symptom, they assume that it relates to illness instead of appreciating that it is feedback to help guide them back to balance, authenticity, gratitude, love, and wellness. If you take a pill for every ill, and you cover up with palliative care, you’ll likely end up not embracing the lesson and wisdom that your body is trying to give you. Taking a pill to suppress or counterbalance your symptoms instead of listening to your body’s feedback and learning from it is not necessarily the wisest way to approach healing and wellness. It’s wiser to learn to interpret what your physiology is trying to tell you. 

Your body is doing everything it can to teach you how to love, and how to be authentic and grateful for the hidden order that life offers. The hidden order is actually there even though you may perceive that there is just chaos. In the Breakthrough Experience program, I teach you the Demartini Method that comprises quality questions to help you see the hidden order in the apparent chaos in your life. 

In every moment in your life that you see an imbalance, you end up storing that information in your subcortical brain associated with your subconscious mind. This often results in you displaying impulsive and instinctual behaviors, just like an animal in the wild that seeks prey and avoids predators. As such, you become an automaton that reacts to your incomplete misperceptions of the external world, instead of being in governance of your life. 

However, the moment you see both sides of an event and don’t overreact with the survival-based systems thinking of the amygdala, and instead have an executive function where you see both sides and have inner governance, you are most likely to see the hidden order. The order is only hidden because you’re not aware of it. The order in your life is there, you’re just not perceiving it. 

In the Breakthrough Experience, I’ll show you how to discover that hidden order, how to have true gratitude, how to open your heart to an unconditional love moment, and how to watch your physiology resolve and heal itself. When you love, you have fulfillment. When you judge, you have emptiness and disowned parts. When you have unconditional love, there are no disowned parts. 

When you’re not too humble or too proud to admit what you see in others is also inside you, you own it all. There’s nothing missing in you. When you do, you have fulfillment. There’s nothing you’re trying to fix in yourself relative to others or others relative to you. You’re graced, instead of disgraced. You’re appreciative. Your life appreciates in value, and your body rallies. You have eustress, which is wellness-promoting, instead of distress and illness. You have pro- and anti-inflammatory cytokines in your immune system that respond to the autonomics and, when they’re in perfect balance, your body doesn’t have extreme reactions and cytokine storms. This is in contrast to when you are highly infatuated or highly resentful, put people on pedestals or in pits, and minimize yourself and exaggerate yourself and move into inauthenticity. Your body is designed to create symptoms to let you know that you’re being inauthentic. 

The symptoms aren’t illness and something negative or “bad.” It’s actually part of the wellness process, if you pay attention. Many symptoms you think are illnesses are actually part of wellness. They’re functional, which is something that many people don’t realize or haven’t learned to interpret. As such, they just reach for the next pill. 

I am certain that the wisdom of your body is profound, and it knows how to heal. I can help you interpret what your symptomology is trying to tell you, so you can lead a more inspired, fulfilled, grateful, and vitalized life. 

Many symptoms you think are illnesses are actually part of wellness. They’re functional, which is something that many people don’t realize or haven’t learned to interpret.

To sum up:

  1. When you understand that there’s nothing to fix and nothing to change, you are most likely to see the hidden order in your life. As such, your physiology doesn’t need to create symptoms and can experience wellness and vitality. 
  2. Many people who are unengaged and not inspired by what they do in life have more illness and more levels of distress. 
  3. When you judge others or yourself and are subjectively biased instead of objectively truthful, your body will create symptoms to let you know you’re not being authentic to try and get you back on track. 
  4. To take a pill to get rid of the symptoms instead of learning from what your symptoms are trying to tell you is unfulfilling and a bit foolish, in my opinion. 
  5. The wisest approach to health and healing is to learn to love and appreciate both yourself and others. Gratitude and love are the greatest healers. 
  6. Do what you love and love what you do on a daily basis with the people you love. If you do that everyday, you’ll have less illness and distress, and more vitality and eustress.