I Got My Why
How German New Medicine revealed the meaning of my cancer so I could heal.
“Since human beings are capable of symbolic thought, we are able to experience biological conflicts also in a figurative sense. For us, an attack conflict can be brought on by an offending remark, a territorial loss conflict with an unwanted move, a starvation conflict through the loss of income, a sexual conflict when our partner is ‘mating’ with someone else, a self-devaluation conflict because of abuse, or a death-fright conflict through the shock of a cancer diagnosis.” -Caroline Markolin, Ph.D.
When I received news of a ductal carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast, I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my “know” to my “why” with help from a Germanic Healing Knowledge (GHK, or GNM) practitioner.
GNM’s process of ascertaining the precise conflict that initiates a particular cancer process is based on biological science and embryology. Dr. Hamer, the pioneer discoverer, found that different conflict shocks impact different brain relays each adapting a corresponding organ. The organ will change, or adapt, with cell-multiplication or cell-ulceration depending on the embryological germ cells that compose the tissues. For example, organs composed of endodermal cells such as the intestines, will respond with cell multiplication. Most importantly, each organ and germ layer responds only to a specific “kind” of conflict shock that applies to that organ’s function.
Using this knowledge as a map, the exact organ and symptom will tell us what “type” of conflict shock occurred, and where the biological program is in regard to the tissue-adaptation process. Often, the symptom we have indicates that the organ is in a healing phase, after the conflict is resolved.
Here’s What I Discovered
Ductal “carcinoma” is the healing process, or tissue-replenishment phase, after a separation conflict that had caused the ductal tissues to ulcerate. We experience this conflict, for example, when a loved one is “torn from the breast” through an unexpected ending of a relationship. It can also occur if we suddenly want to separate from a relationship due to a conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, etc. The purpose of the ulcerations is to widen the ductal passageways—relating to an instinctive nourishment response in the breast. After the conflict is over, an internal swelling occurs, sometimes seen as a tumor (it’s more akin to an internal swollen “scab” designed to heal the ductal passages).
I also learned that the moment I experienced this conflict, concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled from the left sensory cortex of the brain. What piqued my interest is how the “psyche”—our innate survival knowledge below the level of our awareness—related to the conflict. This is of utmost importance for the detective work and for healing. GNM is not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.
For myself, it was vitally important for me to pinpoint the exact conflict shock that caused the whole process to unfold. I believed that understanding why my body was doing what it was doing would be the key to assist my body to homeostasis.
Finding My Why
“I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you,” the GNM consultant said to me during our session.
I’d spent seven months cleaning out my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with, but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalog unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it. And it hit me like a ton of bricks; so much so that I had to catch my breath, my heart stilled, and the blood drained from my face.
“Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it,” she said. (Note: DHS is the term denoting the moment in time the biological shock occurred.)
How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for this one! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away.
The GNM practitioner asked me, “Looking at the size of your tumor, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about three months?”
Stunned, I nodded my head.
As I write this, I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with its own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.
Everything in me told me not to hire Sam (pseudonym). Living in a small town, I was well aware of her history with past employers. My gut twisted as she handed me her resume, looked me in the eyes, and promised me she wouldn’t let me down. My spa was in full swing, and I desperately needed another esthetician. I’d worked with her in the past, in another spa, and the same aversion I felt for her then resurfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in—deciding to take the high road. And so I hired her.
I used my uncertainty as fuel to overcome my judgment toward her. After all, she never did anything to me directly. I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner and saw it as an opportunity to grow as a person as well. My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service, so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instinct to take over and as a result, she opened up to me as I did to her.
Did I do the right thing? It’s only in looking back from where I am now that I know for certain that I did, because this biological program was a catalyst for my evolution. After a couple months of employment, she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November, I ended up in Emergency at the hospital with my gut feeling like it was ripping out from the inside.
Knowing GNM more now, I understand what I had then was an “indigestible anger conflict”—a situation I couldn’t digest which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate with pain. (Note: In the lining of the stomach, ulcerations cause symptoms of pain because the stomach is wired to the post-sensory cortex of the brain, unlike other parts of the body, such as the breast ducts, which are wired to the sensory cortex where there is no noticeable pain during conflict-active ulcerations.)
I just didn’t know how to deal with Sam’s unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck between a rock and hard place, doing my best to accommodate nine staff members in the midst of my turmoil. My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where staff typically came and went. She was the new addition, and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.
Sam approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee of mine disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position. What this employee apparently shared was sensitive information, which put me in a precarious position.
The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any staff member would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event. What I discovered, however, was that Sam, who I took in against my better judgment, had fabricated the whole story, with fake texts and emails to try and get my lovely employee fired.
Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole situation mangled me mentally and rippled out into work. I couldn’t deny the strong intuition that something was very wrong—even with the apparent evidence at hand. I started digging for the truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like they’re coming from someone when they’re not. The evidence that Sam showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, Sam was the one who was trying to jump ship.
As I put the pieces together, I felt sick to my stomach. Expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. (I can never prove it, but my gut knew.) I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my intuition to not hire her. Upon her immediate termination, I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her purpose, but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.
Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my email. My heart constantly raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court? What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of a “conflict active phase.” The emails went on. The conflict continued.
Why would she do this?
It took about three months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.
In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me? Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way. If that’s the case, doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious, because when she resurfaced, I could not for the life of me remember her name!
After those three months, my conflict was resolved, and that’s when my healing phase began. New cells came in to replenish the area where there was prior tissue loss, accompanied with swelling. During those three months of conflict activity, my brain was impacted, and the corresponding organ—the milk ducts—ulcerated in proportion to the duration and intensity of “wanting to separate” from her. The biological purpose for the inner lining of milk ducts to ulcerate and lose cells is to widen the ducts for easier milk flow—a primitive mothering response. Though by the time I resolved the issue I understood there was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk.
The healing phase of cell proliferation and swelling was diagnosed as a ductal carcinoma, and deemed to be “abnormal cell activity.” The growth of these particular cells do act differently from normal cells, since they are the body’s way of healing the ulcerated tissue.
The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumor only grew by two millimeters in six months was because the cells only proliferate in proportion to the duration and intensity of the prior conflict. And because my conflict was never reactivated, it was done proliferating.
Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to finding my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered the lump. Truth rings like a bell. It rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along.