Help! I Don’t Like My Kid
“Doc, I don’t like my kid.” I have heard this phrase over and over through my years in practice and each time it comes with guilt and shame. What’s wrong with me? Why are they so hard? They used to be cute and sweet, what happened? Why don’t I like my kid, and what can I do about it?
Many of us struggle with the unfair and limiting belief that our expectations must meet our reality. When this does not happen, we become disappointed, discouraged, sad, and even angry. Dr. Laura Schlessinger asserts that you are only allowed to feel guilty if you have done something illegal or immoral, and I strive every day to follow this sage advice. Talking through issues we feel shame around and bringing them in to the light allows for those shameful feelings to be processed and moved through. Brené Brown has made a career about this very topic publishing several books, developing leadership programs, podcasts, and TED talks on this very subject. No stage of parenthood is immune, so let’s shed some light in this very dark place.
I met a 17-year-old mother while serving in the NICU at Ola Children’s Hospital in Freetown, Sierra Leone, in 2010. I asked the mother of a 6-day-old baby’s history and was told he was dehydrated and would not live. I noticed his mother was attempting to feed him groundnut (peanut) butter while his lethargic body lay there with a large sunken soft spot pulsing rapidly. I also noticed skin discolorations on her and when I asked about them, she told me that her husband would hit her every time the baby cried because she should know how to make it stop and would do worse when white liquid came from her breasts. It would have been easy to make judgments and assumptions in that moment and imposed my western ideas and values, but there was much more to their story. They were living in a post genocide society where the moms, aunts, teachers, and midwives were simply gone and the knowledge of infant care was gone with them. They were rebuilding their dreams the best way they could without this sacred “lost knowledge.” At that time, the maternal mortality rate was 85%, so pregnancy was considered a death sentence and many woman who already were caring for children, some caring for many in a polygamist society would choose a self applied abortion so that they would have a better chance to stay alive for their existing children over giving birth. She chose to bring this baby in to the world and lived to tell about it and now was afraid of her inability to care for him. After spending time with both parents, learning from and educating each other, I was able to share with the nursing dyad how to transfer milk and dad how to support them, they were adjusted, and I left humbled. I had taken for granted that everyone wants their pregnancy and would know reflexively how to nurse. I will never know what happened to their lives, but I knew I had changed. I am grateful to know their country continues to rebuild and is stronger every year with many life-saving programs in place.
In most parts of the world, pregnancy is a time to celebrate! It’s filled with hope and expectations. Will they look like me? Will they act like me? Unfortunately, not all pregnancies are a joyous time, even the planned ones. Unplanned pregnancies, single parenthood or unsupported pregnancies, difficult pregnancies due to excessive morning sickness (hyperemesis gravidum), cultures that discourage excitement during pregnancies, saving any celebrations for once the baby is born and the list goes on. What happens when we are not able to bond with the life growing inside us? What happens when we begin to resent that life?
Unfortunately, not all pregnancies are a joyous time, even the planned ones. What happens when we are not able to bond with the life growing inside us?
Labor and delivery can have its own unique challenges with lack of parent-child bonding due to a planned or unplanned cesarean, difficult or unsupported labor, gender disappointments, unknown birth defects, and especially birth trauma. In a stereotypical pregnancy, the parents have previously bonded with each other through the intimacy shared around creating their child. The mother would have bonded with her baby through all of the ups and downs of the previous nine months, but the father has not had his opportunity to connect with the baby in the same way. The palmar grasp reflex, where those tiny fingers wrap around Dad’s finger, creates a major rush of vasopressin in his body.
This is the same hormone released during intimacy with his partner, and is his equivalent to the mother’s oxytocin rush in his own way. This hormone secretion creates the feeling of, “this child is mine and I will guard it with my life.” Therefore, in the case of birth trauma where there is a threat to the mother, because he has not had the chance to create the parent-child bond yet, Dad can view the baby as an adversary who is harming her. Not being present due to military or other obligations, the pressures of having another mouth to feed or intrusive thoughts like, “Am I going to be just like my parents?” can all impede this sacred connection between father and child.
Lactation is such a beautiful opportunity to give your baby everything they need from nutrition to bonding and brain development…until it’s not because you have been awake for days with a screaming baby you have no clue how to care for, you have not eaten a meal in just as long, much less anything remotely nourishing, and they just will not latch!
Breastfeeding Anger and Agitation (BAA) is not a well understood or studied topic but it is a very real reaction that can happen between a nursing dyad. Feelings of anger, agitation, self disgust, irritability, rage, skin itching typically followed by guilt and shame can all be experienced during the transfer of milk. Intrusive thoughts specific to breastfeeding can include: wanting to run away, an overwhelming urge to stop breastfeeding, feeling trapped, like a prisoner, wanting to pinch the baby so they will unlatch, and feelings of being “touched-out.” All of these disappear as soon as the infant stops and unlatches from the breast. This is different from Dysphoric-Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER), which is experienced as dysphoria when the milk begins to be released and disappears shortly after while the baby continues to suckle. The feelings vary from BAA whereas D-MER is more an experience of dread, deep despair, and sadness. These two phenomenon can occur simultaneously but are different from one another.
Lactation can also be a time of healing or continued challenge to a victim of previous sexual assault. Healing can come from the feeling of empowerment that comes from being able to successfully sustain a baby’s needs from the very place she may have once viewed as dirty or bad. Sadly this is not always the case and the feeling of being “touched-out” is very common for survivors. Knowing that the breast is best and working through their own trauma can be too much to overcome and once again the expectations are not meeting reality. Connecting with an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) can give you the tools to achieve your lactation goals through all levels of challenge.
One in five pregnancies report experiencing Postpartum Depression/Postpartum Anxiety (PPD/PPA) for moms and 1 in 10 for dads. This statistic is likely closer to 1 in 3 for moms and far more present for dads than is reported due to societal pressures and lack of questions asked. Many parents are afraid to speak up as they will be thought of as a bad parent or may have their child taken away. A child, regardless of birth order or desire to have them enter the family, brings a significant pattern interruption in the day-to-day life of the family unit, which can be challenging when we are at our best. Throw in lack of sleep, exercise, or proper nutrition along with fluctuating hormones and you have a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, through the “net-weaving” with providers and our communities with groups like Pathways Connect, staying plugged-in, support, and early detection are more available than ever. If you are having intrusive thoughts about your child or yourself, you are not alone. Even if it’s just that you do not want to feel this way anymore. You need and deserve help. Reach out to a trusted provider and you will receive the care you need to be able to be the best and safest version of yourself to raise your family.
Our children follow our lead and look to us to be the example of regulation. Regulating our own nervous systems sets the stage for our little ones to co-regulate. As we heal, it gives them permission to do the same. They will use their mirror neurons to match your energy.
Coming to grips with the concept that the son or daughter of your imagination will never be, can bring devastating grief. Receiving a diagnosis that your child will be born with health challenges or develops special needs, requires the process of grief. Grieving allows for the family to move forward together to be able to better embrace what is. Interrupting the fantasy of playing catch on a summer night or walking your daughter down the aisle can foster the blame game. We look for someone or something to blame in order to make sense of a senseless situation and may direct that at ourselves, our partners, or our child. Have grace with yourself, your partner, and your child. The disappointment is a normal reaction worthy of being recognized and dealt with, often with the help of professionals, but must be addressed and not brought to the child. You will be creating a team of resourcefulness together so you must show up with your best. This is a very different kind of hard.
Raising a child with special needs or perhaps even simply a “difficult” or disruptive child may create times where you need a break for your sanity and their safety. Screaming infants and children can become overwhelming and frustrating at best. As the leader in the parent-child relationship, you require rest and reset to be able to get back in the game and properly show up for them. In certain situations, noise canceling headphones, respite care, going out in to nature, and pattern interruptions can all be helpful and appropriate tools in navigating this path.You may employ other helpful tools for your specific child’s needs, such as joint compression or alligator rolls, etc.
Puberty brings about more than hormonal changes in our kids, it creates opportunity for them to try on different personalities, seeing what fits as they are becoming their own person. Around the age of 14, you may begin to notice your mere existence, and drawing of breath has become the most embarrassing thing you could ever do to your child. Family outings become a thing of the past and resentment between the parent-child dyad begins to grow. The words, “I hate you,” may make their first devastating appearance. The once sweet, loving child you worked so hard to bring in to this world may begin to experiment with drugs or alcohol, develop an attitude, or completely withdraw. How do you keep them engaged while you cannot stand their behavior and you feel shut out?
Comparing one child to another and checking to see how they measure up is unproductive and damaging. “I come from a long line of academia. All of our children are brilliant except Junior. Junior gets horrible grades, does not apply himself and will never be as good as his older siblings. I’m so embarrassed.” Ouch! Not living up to our parents’ expectations can prevent us from even trying and can direct our path away from the cohesion of the family unit. “You are not good enough and never will be,” is a difficult pill to swallow. Every child is unique and gifted differently. Focus on celebrating their wins regardless of your preferences. You were blessed with raising this amazing person in to adulthood and you just might learn something along the way.
How about when you and your partner are arguing, separating, or divorcing and your child looks or acts just like the other parent? We can transfer feelings we have toward the other parent or even ourselves and superimpose them on to the child. Separating how you feel about the child from how you feel about their behavior is paramount. As much as they may look, act, and talk like us, or their other parent, each child is autonomous and worthy of that respect.
The journey starts with you. Nurture your nervous system. We cannot be in survival mode and resourceful mode at the same time. We must fulfill our nervous system’s most basic needs before we can use it to make wise decisions with healthy executive function. Think about the last time you flew and the safety briefing included a message regarding you putting on your own mask before assisting others. You can pour from an empty cup but only at the price of your health. Take a time-out and take a breath. Dr. Mackenzie McNamara teaches a breathing pattern that allows you to regulate your nervous system out of fight or flight/survival mode and get you back to a place that includes options again. Take a deep breath in through the nose and when you cannot take any more air in, take one more sniff. Hold this breath as long as you can and then slowly let it out through your mouth. Repeat this two more times and on the final breath, hum as you exhale. Go ahead, try it now. Things feeling a little different?
Our children follow our lead and look to us to be the example of regulation. Regulating our own nervous systems sets the stage for our little ones to co-regulate. As we heal, it gives them permission to do the same. They will use their mirror neurons to match your energy. From the time they are growing in the womb, they are learning about the world through how their mother experiences it and later, other parents and adults. How we react matters. Avoid the blame game and avoid expectations. Show up with grace and understanding for ourselves and our children; it makes all the difference in how we perceive the relationship. The proper care of your nervous system through limiting your stress, toxic load, and increasing your strength through flexibility are a great start. Receiving regular chiropractic care for the whole family is essential in paving the way to a balanced and settled nervous system that your child can use as a template to begin to balance their own. Join your local Pathways Connect Group and “net-weave” with other parents going through the same things you are. You are not alone on an island, you have a web of support ready to remind you of your greatness and empower you to see that same greatness in your own children.
